They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
