remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
