oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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