He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
