david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
