Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
