when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
