I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
