It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
