They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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