you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
