It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
