I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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