Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
