it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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