I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
