I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
