I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
