You smell like a Billy Joel song
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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