he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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