I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
