Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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