Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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