you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.