Swine flu. Run for my life!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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