I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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