i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
