she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"