I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
