You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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