Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
