umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
