She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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