I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
