did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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