I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
