the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
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Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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