Quick, to the slutcave!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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