Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
