you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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