He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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