I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
