i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
