We named our party play list daddy issues
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
