we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
