Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
