If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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