I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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