Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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She told me I should be a condom model.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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