dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
