I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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