the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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