Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
