I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
