Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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