The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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