when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
