i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wish you could order shots online.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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