GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
